Category Archives: Sisters

ISLAM AND FEMINISM

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Salaam. If you’ve been following me on twitter, then you’re most probably aware of my feminist views. A friend in the UK sent me a link to this article (originally titled ‘DOES ISLAM NEED FEMINISM?’) and I simply chose to share it here because nothing I could write on this topic would differ from this writer’s view in any way (except perhaps my preference for the word ‘equity’ in place of ’equality’), and her words simply seemed to capture the very essence of my opinion on feminism. Please read through and drop a comment. Enjoy.

 

In many Muslim communities the word ‘feminism’ rolls off the tongue with a bitter aftertaste. And amongst the women of these communities, a stigma surrounds the movement with an especially unique reception.

My issue with feminism is that its movement has been dominated by white, middle-class Western women – many of whom uphold a one-size-fits-all definition of female empowerment. For decades, this universal standard for feminism was applied to women across all cultures, reinforcing the dominant-submissive binary that feminism, at its core, sought to abolish.

This is where the disconnect lies: Western feminism is often mistaken for feminism as a whole. Many Muslim women shudder at the thought of advocating for what we see as white women telling us to take off our scarves to liberate ourselves, exhibitionists baring their breasts while claiming they are fighting for our freedom, and aggressive fingers of condescension in our faces, all of which seek to enlighten us that our ways of life are backwards, inferior and downright ignorant.

Unfortunately, the feminist movement is marred by damagingly negative preconceptions, mostly fueled by media-manufactured nonsense intended to dissuade the masses from gender equality and uphold patriarchal expectations in our society. And, of course, many men – including some Muslim ones, at times – follow suit and act upon the opportunity to denounce and ridicule a movement that unknowingly intends to preserve Islamic standards of equality. It’s especially difficult when so many religious and political leaders contort Islam to fit their patriarchal mindsets. The most destructive, however, is when Muslim women begin perceiving feminism as sacrilege.

When we consider that Islam already gives us all the women’s rights we need, it becomes easy to see feminism as being adverse to our faith. This is where we need to understand a most powerful realisation: Islam and feminism are not exclusive.

The thing about feminism is that, despite its poor social reputation, we are predisposed to the concept. The core of feminism calls for equality, dignity and the establishment of respect – not just between the sexes, but also across all social and economic classes, races and religions.

Sound familiar?

Islam laid down these expectations for us a millennium before today’s feminists started preaching them. Our religion’s revelation was so revolutionary that the comparably backwards society before this period was dubbed ‘the Age of Ignorance’. It was defined by its stark social inequality, especially amongst girls and women, and illustrated by a prevalence of female infanticide in pre-Islamic Arabia. This new standard of equality not only was granted to the female gender, but also permeated to all levels of society.

Among the countless rights that women became entitled to in the first Islamic society were financial, social and even sexual entitlements – completely redefining her place in society. Many interpretations of verses in the Qur’an declare that a woman’s earnings are solely her own, and that her husband has no claim to them (4:34). This provides not only monetary security, but also indirect support of a woman’s right to work. It also endows women with marital rights, such as allowing them to be equally entitled to request a divorce (2:237, 4:35). Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) spoke of a daughter’s equal value to a son and her right to a fulfilled upbringing. Also, modesty is encouraged among both genders (24:30-31), and many understand the hijab to declare that a woman is to be regarded as a person, not an object.

By modern definitions, Islam is inherently feminist.

Our religion granted women their rights 1,400 years ago – rights that many women still struggle to enforce today in their communities. I believe Islam was the first religion in the world to explicitly define equal rights for women. It’s the standard. We are active representatives of what feminism looks like. That calls for us all not only to pride ourselves on being feminist, but also to totally own it.

One of the most powerful things that we as Muslim women can do is to (rightfully!) identify ourselves as feminists. Instead of rejecting the feminist movement, we need to inject ourselves into it and start to redefine empowerment and liberation on our own terms – not the ones already defined for us. What mainstream feminism lacks today are the voices of women of different cultures standing up and speaking up for themselves. It’s our responsibility to create a voice for ourselves in the conversation.

Doing so not only empowers us, but also gives us more visibility worldwide. Identifying ourselves as the feminists we are sends a groundbreaking message to people around the world that still view Muslim women in the light of oppression. It allows us to flip the stigma on its head, in a tongue that everyone can hear loud and clear.

Muslim feminists recognise the potency of feminism in transforming our societies and obtaining the rights that we, like all women around the world, so fervently fight for.

To follow Islam is to be a feminist – naturally, on our own terms.

 

Written by: Amani Alkhat for www.aquila-style.com

ISLAMIC COURTSHIP: 25 DO’S AND DONT’S

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Salaam!

Stumbled upon this (don’t ask me how…or why) some moments ago and thought to share with you wonderful, wonderful (single) brothers and sisters. I don’t agree with everything on the list (25 especially for the reason that many of us are into long-distance courtships) but I do think most points are valid. Enjoy.

 

There are a lot of single Muslims

trying to navigate their way through the marriage process. It’s not always easy
to know what’s permissible, what isn’t, what works and what doesn’t. The list
below is a great guide for anyone who is thinking about marriage and wants to
prepare in advance. It’ll help prepare
you for what to expect, what to do and what not do to before you begin your
quest for “Mr or Ms. Right” and once you start meeting potential prospects,
inshAllah!

1) DO make Istikhara

There’s an old Arab proverb that says,
Man proposes, God disposes.” Before actively working on oneself and
pursuing marriage through worldly means, one has to turn to Allah (swt) and
make the intention for marriage. Next, one should make the Duah of Istikhara
and put their trust in Allah’s divine decree, especially when considering a
particular candidate. Istikhara is a prescribed prayer with specific guidelines
that should be properly understood. There is also a lot of confusion about how
one “interprets” their Istikhara. Here is a good article from SeekersGuidance that helps
clarify everything one needs to know about it:

The reality of Istikhara

2) DO have a “checklist.”

It’s important to know what you’re
looking for in a partner and to take the extra time to put your thoughts down.
Not only does the list give you tangible things to focus on, but it can also
reveal whether or not you have your priorities down. If you notice, for
example, that most of your “requirements” are superficial in nature
then you may scale back some things and put focus on more important matters
like character, family values, and future goals. Additionally, a written
checklist can also help your friends and family who are actively on the
look-out for you to better screen potential candidates.

3) DON’T dismiss someone if they don’t meet all of your requirements.

Sometimes we think we know what we want
but it may take meeting someone we wouldn’t normally consider to open our
eyes to other possibilities. When thinking of marriage, you should really give
each and every potential candidate a chance to make an impression on you and
whatever the outcome make it a learning experience instead of a wasted one.

4) DO consider “halal-dating.”

Social media, technology, and living
in pluralistic as well as gender-integrated societies have completely changed
the way modern Muslims are marrying. It’s also impacted the Muslim divorce
rate, which has consistently been on the rise for the past 20 years. These
realities are undeniable and in order to prevent further problems, as a
community we need to redefine the courtship process without compromising the
guidelines of our faith. A great article that helps explain the parameters for
“halal-dating” can be found here:

Lets talk about dating

5) DON’T rush into marriage.

Contrary to popular belief, there is
nothing wrong with having an engagement period in Islam. The length of time it
takes to get from the initial meeting to the nikah process is entirely up to
the couple and their families. Sometimes, however, because of cultural
misinterpretations or misunderstandings people are made to feel guilty for not
marrying “quickly” and they end up foregoing the very important
process of truly getting to know someone. Marriage is supposed to be a life-long
union, so make sure you have enough time to thoroughly investigate or learn
about your potential partner. Make the time to talk to each other, observe each
other in different groups, and allow people closest to you to spend time with
you as well. And remember, “quickie marriages” more often than not
lead to not-so-quick and messy divorces!

6) DO request “references.”

Part of the screening process should
include meeting / speaking with other people they know (references). This is
especially the case for matches found online, through matrimonial events or who
live in different communities, provinces or geographical locations than you do.
If you are introduced to someone who you know nothing about make sure to
thoroughly investigate who he/she is. If they have nothing to hide then they
should have no problem giving you an opportunity to meet or speak with others
close to him/her. If they make excuses, make you feel bad for not
“trusting” them, or make any other attempt to evade a reference list
then take it as a major red flag. In this day and age the last thing you should
do is let your emotions and the excitement of a budding romance cloud your judgment.

7) DON’T spill the beans too early.

It’s a natural inclination to want to
confide in your friend(s) and family at the onset of any exciting situation.
However, when a relationship is just developing it’s too early to get others
involved and can backfire against you. You may find yourself prematurely
soliciting advice or building up something that doesn’t have much potential. A
rule of thumb should be to wait until you’ve had at least 3 substantial
conversations/email exchanges, and/or meetings before telling someone else. And
make sure the person you decide to confide in is qualified to give you advice.
It should be less about the role they have in your life than it is their
ability to give sound, practical, and balanced advice.

8) DO have the confidence to make the
first move.

If someone piques your interest then
don’t wait around for something to happen but rather make it happen! Both men
and women are susceptible to putting too much of the focus on the wrong place.
If you’re consumed with a fear of rejection or worry too much about some other
negative consequence then you are letting life’s opportunities pass you by. On
the contrary, by reaching out to someone or finding a third person to get
involved you are writing the narrative and thus becoming an active participant
in your own life.

9) DON’T rely too much on your
“friends.”

Inviting a family member or your best
buddy/girlfriend to tag along with you on your first “date” is understandable
but after that you really need to think about cutting them loose (keeping in
mind the ‘halal-dating’
rules we mentioned earlier of course). While it may be great for you to have
the support and presence of a familiar face around you, imagine how your date
feels. It’s awkward to have strangers around when the focus should be on you
and this new person you’ve just met. Additionally, learning how to have focused
one-on-one communication is among the most important factors to a healthy and
happy relationship.

10) DO be nice to everyone.

It’s a fact that we are generally
drawn to happy and positive people. You never know what a chance encounter with
a stranger can lead to. Perhaps you’re at a wedding and you graciously offered
your seat to a stranger. That kind and generous act may make an impression on
someone who is also looking for a suitable match for her son/daughter. Love
could literally be right around the corner, stay happy so that you can welcome
it with a smile on your face!

11) DON’T complicate your first
interaction.

Whether you’re going to exchange
introductory emails or you’re planning to meet someone for the first time make
sure to keep it simple. If you lay it on thick in the beginning with too many
complicated questions or requirements about time, place, etc., you might put
the other person off. Part of the excitement of getting to know someone is the
build-up, the gradual process of getting to know someone. That can quickly be
destroyed by too much too fast.

12) DO plan around your stressful day.

If an opportunity arises for you to
meet or talk with someone but you’ve had an exceptionally stressful day, let
the other person know you need to reschedule. If you go through with something
after a rough day, it’s much worse for both of you because you’ll end up
complaining the entire time about your stressful experience or you might allow
the negative energy it created to completely high-jack your personality and
take over your disposition. Remember, not only are first impressions everything
but you also want to leave every conversation on a good note, making a positive
and lasting impression.

13) DON’T go overboard on
“selling” yourself.

If you speak too much about yourself
or take too much effort trying to “dress to impress,” you may be
giving the completely wrong message about who you are. While physical
attraction/chemistry is key to a successful match, you don’t need to make it
your main objective. Chances are by the first few conversations you will know
whether or not there is “something” there and if there is don’t turn
it into “nothing” with overkill. Ask more questions than talk, listen
attentively and dress appropriate for the occasion.

14) DO be your authentic self.

In the beginning of any courtship,
aside from making more of an effort with basic manners and etiquette, you
should never change yourself or accommodate who you are for anyone else. Being
transparent during the courtship process is very important, especially since
your intentions are for marriage and not just merely dating someone. You want
to be true to your feelings and opinions and feel comfortable expressing
yourself freely. If you have reservations about these things then you need to
ask yourself why. Are you afraid the person will not like who you really are?
Are you afraid of their reaction, i.e., anger, disappointment, judgment? Do
they intimidate you and/or make you feel like your opinions can’t differ from
theirs? The answers to these questions may alert you to bigger problems if
there are any.

15) DON’T talk about your past
relationships/experiences.

Disclosing a previous marriage is
required in Islam but anything else is up to your discretion. It’s always
advisable however to stay clear of divulging too much about
your past, especially any indiscretions or questionable behavior. Those matters
are between you and Allah (swt) and really no one else’s business. There are
exceptions of course that you have to take into consideration. If for example,
you have any health conditions as a result of your past then you would be
obligated to disclose them. Here is an excellent response on how to deal with disclosing
one’s past:

Is it Permissible to Lie?

16) DO be honest.

It’s very important to be honest from
the beginning. You don’t have to share your whole life with the person
during the beginning stages but be honest about who you are and what you want
in life. If a person is worth your time, they will appreciate the
expectations you have for yourself and your potential partner. Pretending
to be all you think your partner wants you to be is a recipe for
disaster.

17.) DON’T zone out.

Listen carefully when the person you are interested in is telling you about
their life. By listening carefully you can find out about their
personality, likes/dislikes, emotional balance, etc. You want to really hear
what the person is saying so you can determine if they are the right match for
you and your personality. Try not to interrupt or prepare questions and
interject too much. Let the conversation remain fluid and show that they have
your undivided attention.

18) DO be aware of time.

It’s easy to get caught up in the
excitement of something new and allow yourself to get carried away. If,
however, you’re finding yourself talking into the late hours of the night,
missing classes or going to work late, then you may need to pull back the
reigns for several reasons. First of all, you want to make sure that you don’t
allow yourself to get too lax with each other where your conversations become
inappropriate. This can happen even without direct contact as words are
powerful and innocent remarks can quickly turn into flirtatious/sexual banter
even via text or email. Scaling back can make you more conscious of how you use
your time and how productive your conversations are. You’ll organize your
thoughts more and ask the right questions in the timeframe you have as opposed
to talking so freely that you head for troubled waters.

19) DON’T convince yourself of
something that isn’t there.

Most people want to be in a
relationship and are happiest when coupled with someone else so it’s perfectly
normal to feel eager to find “the One” and start this exciting
chapter of your life. However, if you feel like you are making more exceptions
for things that you normally wouldn’t be happy with then perhaps you’re
eagerness to get married is clouding your good judgment. Relationships can be
complicated but they shouldn’t start out that way. Look for red flags and take
each one seriously. If you address them and still don’t find any conclusions
then it’s time to move on. Furthermore, forcing something for fear of not having
it is a sign of weakness of faith. Marriage, like everything in life is a
decree from Allah (swt) and one has to exercise patience until He determines
the right time and sends you the right person.

20) DO trust your instincts.

Similar to the previous point, it’s
important to not only look out for red flags but also pay close attention to
how you feel with someone. If you have a nagging feeling that something isn’t
right, chances are you’re right. If, for example, you see patterns in someone’s
behavior that worry you, don’t dismiss them as nothing or paranoia. Many people
swear that their sixth sense or instincts helped them out of a bad situation,
and some even attribute these thoughts to guidance from Allah (swt) in response
to one’s Istikhara, prayers, etc.

21) DON’T ask for too much advice.

People who have a tendency of
confiding in too many people or who are always asking others for advice are
usually afraid of taking responsibility for their choices. You shouldn’t
wait for someone else to tell you how to feel or what to do, especially on such
an important life decision, but that’s probably what you’re doing. You
need to stop turning to others and evaluate just how much time you’ve given to
actually thinking about what you want, what you need, and whether or not the
person you’re talking to measures up.

22) DO listen to advice even if you’re
not happy about it.

If a friend or family member points
out something negative in someone you’re considering don’t react emotionally.
Remember, unless there is something dysfunctional about your relationship with
them, most likely they’re just looking out for you and are coming from a place
of love and concern. Plus, if more than one person tells you something about a
potential partner, even if it has to do with their past, be receptive to
hearing them out completely. You want your decision to marry someone to be an
informed decision. The worst thing to do is to just look for the positives and
then get flooded by the negatives after the wedding, when it’s too late!

23.) DON’T be jealous.

Don’t focus too much on what others
have. Just because your friend found his/her soul mate, does not mean you
are bound to be single forever. Be happy for your friends and don’t waste
time being jealous of them. By being happy for your friends, not only
will your friendship flourish but also you might meet someone at his or her
wedding or through his or her new connections.

24.) DO have a life outside the
relationship.

It’s important to continue to have a
separate life outside your relationship even if you think you’ve found your soul
mate. Having a passion such as your career, exercising, spending time with
friends/family provides balance in your life and for your relationship.
You should continue to grow as a person in all ways that are important to
you. This not only makes you more interesting to be with but also makes
you more emotionally balanced in your relationship.

25.) DON’T text.

Using texting as your primary form of
communication interferes with building a deeper bonding experience. Texting
is less rewarding and provides less of the neurochemical reaction our brain
needs to increase bonding. If you must text, limit it to times when you are
running late or wanting to change plans. Using texting for important
topics should be avoided. It’s important to create healthy patterns in the
beginning of the relationship to maintain them throughout. And ideal
relationship is one where the couple thrives on healthy, direct and regular
communication with each other

 

By: Hosai Mojaddidi & Dr. Nafisa Sekandari
Written: for Nikah.ca
From: Mentalhealth4Muslims

And Allah knows best!

CHILD MARRIAGE IN NIGERIA: A MUSLIMAH’S PERSPECTIVE

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Those of us who take time to learn about reproductive health and teach it to others surely know all about the risks of early sexual exposure. It is a scientifically proven fact that childbirth below the age of 17 could have serious adverse effects on a woman’s health, effects which include – but are not limited to – an increased risk of developing cervical cancer, Vesicovaginal Fistula (VVF) and maternal mortality. It is also much more common for underaged mums to attempt killing their babies (many of which have been quite successful at it, and continue to come up with alarmingly innovative ways to smother their helpless babies to death). I totally acknowledge the fact that cervical cancer has many other risk factors, but evidence of its prevalence amongst women who had too-early sexual exposure and became mothers below 17 can not be refuted. In the case of VVF, there are an estimated 800,000 cases in Northern Nigeria, and this would not matter if the practice of taking child-brides was not prevalent there; unless, of course, someone can prove without an iota of doubt that these alarming statistics have nothing to do with this practice.

I totally acknowledge the fact that betrothal can occur years (or even decades) before consummation, but if these men were as patient with their brides as some would have us believe, then why is VVF so common? The aim of this article is not to vilify the men, because some of them actually treat their wives right and wait for them to fully develop and even make appreciable impacts on their lives, but the fact remains that an overwhelming majority don’t.

The word ‘developed’ is very relative; some hinge this on menstruation, others on the moment a girl begins to grow breasts, but the one thing that I really wish would be put into cognizance is the fact that outward endowment and inner development are two extremely different things and therefore occur at a different pace. For all intents and purposes, at age 13, I could have passed for a 16 year-old, still my mother would have shot any man who even dared to suggest that I was ‘ripe’. ‘Ripe’ for what?

I know many ladies who began to menstruate when they were 8 years old; would those claiming that the ‘3rd menstruation should be in her husband’s house’ really suggest that these CHILDREN have adult organs shoved into their tiny bodies simply because they are ‘women now’? Would these people really recommend that an eight year old be allowed to indulge in a sex act and be put through child birth simply because she has started menstruating? Would they permit anyone do that to their own daughters?

One bitter truth – child-marriage has always been associated with low socio-economic status. In reality, many of these girls are sold (not married) off in order to alleviate poverty. This is even more painful in light of the fact that once these girls develop VVF, these same ‘loving’ husbands are quick to disown them and move on to the next child. All for what? The pleasure of marrying a virgin?

Also, most divorced women fall between the 18-25 age group; this is because rushing into marriage without fully understanding what it entails can only lead to beating a hasty retreat out of it. Married at 11, divorced (more like abandoned with VVF) by 19; is this the kind of life we want for our children? If this is not true, then why is the rate of divorce so high?

Now, Islamically, what are the prerequisites for marriage?

Mutual attraction (2:221. 30:21, 33:52. 2:235)

Similar faith (2:221, 60:10)

The mahr (dowry) must be paid (4:4. 4:24)

The two parties must fully understand what marriage entails (4:21. 2:232, 2:237, 24:33)

To be matured (not maturing), i.e. one must have passed the stage of puberty (4:6, 24:31, 24:58-59)

In the case of an unsuccessful marriage, one should be capable of initiating divorce and understanding the proceedings [2:226-232, 2:241, 4:35, 4:128-130, 33:49, 65:1-6]

Now, on the (contentious) issue of age, let us refer to where Allah asks that orphans not be cheated;

‘and try orphans (as regards their intelligence) until they reach rushd (i.e. the age of marriage); if Then You find sound judgement In them, release their property to them, but consume it not wastefully, and hastily fearing that they should grow up, and whoever amongst guardians is rich, He should take no wages, but if He is poor, let Him have for himself what is just and reasonable (according to his work). and when You release their property to them, take witness In their presence; and Allâh is All­Sufficient In taking account.’ (4:6)

Obviously, this is an acknowledgement of the fact that a child could be ‘developed’ but still lack sound judgment, and that the two must be jointly considered! Furthermore, quoting a brother on this same issue, ‘the usage of this word “rushd” in The Quran suggests reasonable physical strength, i.e. at least several years into adolescence [18:82, 28:14] which also agrees with most Classical Arabic dictionaries which average about from the age of 17 for the word “rushd”, which also happens to coincide with when a significant number of orphans would meet the two conditions for receiving their wealth.’

Some have also suggested that counseling/mental and physical evaluation centres be set up in order to determine who is actually developed enough for marriage and who isn’t, and that the decision of whether or not to go ahead be placed on the verdict of well-trained and qualified personnel – this would go a long way in solving the dilemma of an exact age not being specified and also stop these girls from being put in harm’s way. This would also be in line with Quranic provisions which states that they be tested until they reach ‘rushd’.

The argument that I personally find most shallow is that of ‘13 year-olds can get pregnant for their boyfriends, but they can’t get married?’ to which I say upbringing goes a long way in what activities a child will be engaged in at that age. That some lost their virginity at 13 does not mean that all of us did, or that every child will. Why are we making examples of those pregnant teens, and not of many sisters who married in their mid-twenties and were chaste? Why not say ‘why should a thirteen year-old have sex when twenty-three year-olds are virgins?’ The truth of the matter is, a thirteen-year old shouldn’t be having sex in the first place and marriage is therefore not a solution to that! ‘Legalizing’ sex for children is like saying ‘why criminalize corruption when politicians are bound to steal? Why don’t we just increase their allowances by 100,000%?’

Even more shocking was someone’s endorsement of child-marriage cum -sex on the excuse that ‘fathers rape their daughters because they get tempted by their outward appearance’. In other words, incest can be excused in cases where the ‘developed’ child has not been shipped off to he husband’s house because after all, a man is a man and could find even his own daughter irresistible (aoodhubillah!). Somehow, the victim should be blamed for being ‘developed’, and we’re all supposed to sympathize with the harassed father, not castrate him. Men who paint fellow men in such a bad light and portray them all like irrational beasts with hormones raging out of control really deserve to be condemned by all sane men!

The biggest ‘justification’ for child-marriage still remains the (highly disputed) age of Ayesha (RA) when she married Nabiyy (SAW). Those who support this brandish the narrations that put her age at consummation at 9 like a sword while totally ignoring all others that put her age between 18 and 20. They also fail to put into cognizance the basic differences between that period, and the rate at which people developed then and now.

When it comes to unclear issues, we are quick to remind each other of hadiths that liken indulging in disputed things to grazing at the boundary of two gardens, and the likelihood of ‘grazing into’ the haram if we persist. Why is it that we extol each other unto such pleasant reminders when it has to do with issues like music, but not in this case? Is this not disputed too?

The aim of Shariah is not to cause hardship or suffering, or diseases for that matter! 800,000 women living with VVF and thousands of others dying from complications during childbirth is a serious situation that needs to be urgently addressed. Islam elevates mankind, yet we hinge a practice that puts our women in early graves and leads to their abandonment after becoming diseased on Islam. How many wealthy men who go about buying child-brides give out their own daughters as children?

Those who married that young and had it good should kindly think about those who are dead and who didn’t have such luck before advocating for this. Child-marriage, poverty and illiteracy among women are closely linked; any wonder why we still have many poor widows and women who find it hard to sustain themselves without a man in the picture? That many wealthy people do not have a college degree does not make them stark illiterates. Some child-brides furthered their education, thousands of others did not! Would it not amount to selfishness to not consider this large majority too?

On a father’s right to give his daughter out in marriage (and the daughter having no right to object), kindly consider;

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as having said: ”A woman without a husband (or divorced or a widow) must not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin must not be married until her permission is sought. They asked the Prophet of Allah (may peace be upon him): How her (virgin’s) consent can be solicited? He (the Holy Prophet) said: That she keeps silence. (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 008, Number 3303)”

Allah Almighty said in the Noble Quran: “O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (The Noble Quran, 4:19)”

The following Saying is an explanation to Noble Verse 4:19:

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: ”About the Qur’anic verse: ‘It is not lawful for you forcibly to inherit the woman (of your deceased kinsmen), nor (that) ye should put constraint upon them.‘ When a man died, his relatives had more right to his wife then her own guardian. If any one of them wanted to marry her, he did so; or they married her (to some other person), and if they did not want to marry her, they did so. So this verse was revealed about the matter. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2084)” So according to Noble Verse 4:19, a woman can not be forced into marriage by any mean.

Narrated AbuHurayrah: ”The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: An orphan virgin girl should be consulted about herself; if she says nothing that indicates her permission, but if she refuses, the authority of the guardian cannot be exercised against her will. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2088)”

Narrated Abdullah ibn Umar: ”The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: Consult women about (the marriage of) their daughters. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2090)”

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: ”A virgin came to the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) allowed her to exercise her choice. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2091)”

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: ”The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: A guardian has no concern with a woman previously married and has no husband, and an orphan girl (i.e. virgin) must be consulted, her silence being her acceptance. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2095)”

Please note that some may remain quiet out of fear of being chastised or offending their parents, especially when they are still very young. This is why the idea of having counseling units seems very good (at least, to me it does). I am also not against betrothal on the grounds that a lady may object when she comes of age - the question, though, is…..in how many of these cases are they truly allowed to come of age before consummation occurs?

And Allah knows best.

PS: Contrary opinions are more than welcome, but please do it with daleel (evidence), not a tirade of personal attacks. Salaam.

 

 

SINGLESPEAK: TO COPE OR BE HAPPY?

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You know how it is when every member of your family becomes a potential match-maker? When the only song you hear your mother sing is one about having grandchildren and spending vacations with her (married) children in different parts of the world? When friends look at you and say that your standards are too high and that perhaps, you ought to overlook some things… indirectly saying that you’re a self-righteous perfectionist? When men who approach you for all sorts of things tag you a ‘moral arbitrator’ and beat a hasty retreat?

You do understand, don’t you?

I think that people who are seen as ‘choosy’ are just principled people – it’s like saying that a man doesn’t like women. Unless he’s not ‘straight’, this can never be true – it would be more factual to say that he likes a specific type of women, and that women who belong to that particular class are rare. The same principle applies to some ladies.

There are some of us who will not budge until and unless a quality man comes along. I have never been married, but based on the many experiences that have been shared with me, I would advise all ladies who belong to this category to not settle for just any man due to pressure. Sometimes, it IS better to wait.

I know of a steadfast young woman who fell head over heels in love with a man she met while in school. Eventually, he left her for someone else when she refused to let him get physically intimate with her before marriage. It might seem ‘old school’ or ‘holy’, but she had her reasons – according to her, a (wo)man who is not sexually disciplined before marriage would be more likely to have a hard time staying faithful within it, she was of the opinion that indulging in sex before marriage diminishes trust and makes it much easier for suspicion to rear its ugly head. Her worry was not about getting pregnant or contacting STDs (surely, precautions could have been taken), but she was more concerned about building a quality, long-lasting marriage on the basic values of discipline, self-control, and trust - he did not follow her drift. Now, though, she’s married to a Godly man who loves her, and even when they happen to spend days or weeks apart due to the nature of his job, she does not bother her mind with thoughts of what acts her husband could be engaged in. When we met, she was so heartbroken and dejected, but today, she’s happy that the first guy left!

There is no foolproof way to guarantee marital fidelity, but knowing who has a habit of philandering apart from one who doesn’t is a good way to start. Nobody is infallible, but mistakes and habits are two entirely different things.

One mistake that many ladies make is to assume that ‘love’ will change whoever they choose to ‘manage’ – this rarely ever happens. A man may become more responsible because he has children who look up to him (most don’t), but what of those initial months or years when it’s going to be just you and him? A man who makes you feel low and tries to strip you of your self-pride is not a man that you want to live with. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, and he will always see himself as mighty and beyond reproach. The best you could be in such a man’s home is just another item of furniture – one equipped with child-bearing facilities.

We all have our preferences – some of us would not agree to polygyny even if we were offered a million pounds, and some of us just want men with the financial strength to cater for us and our families. Whatever your ‘flavour’, just try to remember that with a Godly (not merely religious) man, the odds of going wrong reduce drastically. A man who beats you then woos you with gifts is not one who will magically change after he marries you. If he does not value you now, don’t expect VIP treatment from him after he’s paid your dowry.

Ask most divorcees and they’ll tell you that warning signs did show forth during courtship, but that they were either too eager to get married, or were too infatuated with the person to care. There’s no perfect man anywhere, but you should at least love yourself enough to know those traits you can live with, and those that you can’t – and learn to objectively analyze yourself and work on your weak points while you’re at it. Eventually, the infatuation will wear off and the personality is what you’ll have to live with – will you cope – cry yourself to sleep then smile at neighbours in the morning – or will you be happy?

SISTERS: WHICH IS BETTER?

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Hello. My name is S….. and I am a single lady of 27 years.

There are two men in my life who are serious about marrying me. One is a single man of 31, and the other is married and claims to want a third wife.

The problem is that the single one likes women too much – he tries with respect to Deen, but whatever he has of piety is seriously affected by his excessive love of women. I have caught him with too many other ladies in highly suspect circumstances, and I regretted ever looking through his phone the day I attempted to do so. He is from a monogamous home, and has stated severally that he would never consider polygamy, but I am worried that even while he may remain married to only me, he would have a conglomerate of mistresses and I would be unhappy.

The married man has two wives already.

What do I do?

Please help.

 

ME: Salaam, ukhti.

First, I’d like to apologize for taking so long to send a response. I have been encountering network difficulties, please do forgive me.

First, I think I should state that no one is perfect, and that you may not find a man who is perfect because frankly, neither are you. That said, though, there are some types of imperfection that one should just willingly not choose to subject oneself to – promiscuity is one of such.

While some ladies may claim that he’ll change, the fact remains that the idea behind courtship is for you to determine whether or not you can live in harmony with the other person. If the answer is ‘no’, then I suggest that you have a serious rethink. While we all know temptations might crop up and that challenges could occur, knowing that he has very little resistance to such will not help you in anyway.

Forget about the sweet words and the gifts, and the seemingly sincere apologies. A philanderer is not a man that is capable of not hurting you; you will get hurt, and often too. In this case, I want you to focus solely on yourself and your health. HIV is real, so is HPV and Gonorrhea and all those other horrible diseases – diseases which one is more likely to contact when one is promiscuous, or married to someone who is.

Also, minus the health hazards, you’re a lady and I trust that you know how other women think. He may think that he’s having ‘fun’, while the other lady is scheming how to become a permanent fixture in his life. Some women would go to very extreme means to break your home and take your place, and this is a WAR that you would do well to avoid.

On the other hand, polygamy is not a sin. However, ask him to tell you WHY exactly he wants a third wife – are the two at home not enough? Does he not have children? If you can, make your findings about how he treats those two women – if he truly tries his best to be just, etc. Ask him about what provisions he made for the second wife, and what provisions you should expect him to make for you. Marriage is not something you should go into without being fully aware of the things that are likely to happen – ask him how often you’ll see, if he expects you and the other women to live together, his vision concerning his children, if he’ll let you pursue a career, etc.

For instance, if you are the jealous, possessive type, living with his other wives might not suit you. Express your concerns (if any), and listen to what he has to say. It’s difficult to believe, but sometimes, polygamy pays a lot better than monogamy, in terms of peace of mind and happiness. You may not have him all to yourself, but a good man would make those moments count.

A valid concern though – with respect to polyandry – is that you can only vouch for yourself, and not all of the other women involved. Adultery is more common amongst women in polygamous settings and this is a fact that must be acknowledged. Adultery is kept at bay with the fear of God, but only God knows those who truly fear him, and even at that, the human factor always plays a role. I hate to play the devil’s advocate, but there HAVE been cases of one wife infecting the husband and other wives with an STD.

I really do not think that you HAVE to choose between the two, but if you must, then weigh your options well. I would totally advise against Mr. Single and About Town, though. Save yourself the heartache!

Although, eventually, what you ARE guaranteed with a single man is being the first wife, not the only one.

Allahu Alam.

@Rinsola_Abiola

msreemah@yahoo.com

PROOF OF FERTILITY

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Salaam, sis. I follow your tweets and I just want to say ‘welldone’, although sometimes you talk too much about politics (and bore me by doing so) and you’ve not been tweeting a lot on Deen lately. I wonder why?

Anyway, I am engaged to a man I like very much, but his family (his mum is the ringleader) is insisting on proof of fertility before they allow us to get married. I think this is a sin. What do I do?

 

ME: Salam. Thank you for the compliment, and about too much politics, God knows I’m trying very hard to reduce it. Not tweeting enough Deen? Hmmmmmnnn….just read through my TL and you know what? You’re right! Will set that right soonest, Insh’Allah.

You’re right, ‘proof of fertility’ IS a sin, and apart from that, I personally find it rather distasteful and slightly demeaning. People who ask for such make it seem like a woman is good for nothing except as a baby-making factory, and unless she’s able to conceive, then she’s not worthy of being a wife. This is wrong.

There are many roles that a woman is supposed to fill in her husband’s life, and vice-versa. Hinging everything upon the ability to bear a child is what makes so many desperate women resort to terrible measures just to please the husband and his family. Being a mother does not necessarily make a woman wife-material, and this is what many are actually yet to understand.

We can do things to please the men we love, as long as those things do not contradict Allah’s supreme laws. Getting pregnant before he marries you is not only sinful, but also risky. What if he decides not to go ahead with the wedding after you’re several months gone, as has been the case with many of today’s single mums? Is the man in question a Muslim – if yes, does he have any faith at all?

There are other acceptable ways of ascertaining your reproductive ability if that’s what his family is so concerned about – a visit to a qualified doctor should be able to set the record straight. If, after the necessary medical check-up, his family is still not satisfied, then I wouldn’t advise you to give in to their demands. You must trust in God, and see this as one of the many trials that you will face in the course of your life time. Remember that Allah says in the Holy Quran that He will test us; perhaps, this love that you have for this man is what He has chosen to test you with.

Your love for God and His love for you are more important than the love of any living creature. Would you please the created at the expense of displeasing the Creator?

I’d like to add here that many people could view ‘us’ as being ‘slow’, and cite examples of women who are married now because they gave in to such demands. The fact remains that you know what you are striving for, and that you understand that this life is but a passing phase. You might feel the man you have now is the bestest thing since dark chocolate, then let him go only to find one who would place you above everything and everyone except Deen and his mother. Be ready to have people mock you if you do turn down this offer, and be ready to have your single state blamed on your ‘fanatical standards’, like being single is a terminal disease (Most of the scorn will come from family members and close friends anyway, so be preapred). In the words of a very good friend, learn to press the ‘ignore’ button.

Remain steadfast in prayer, and never cease to cry out to God when the situation seems too tough.

May Allah guide us all, and make it easy for us to adhere to His commandments. Amin.

Keep the faith, sis. Keep the faith.

Allahu Alam.

msreemah@yahoo.com

@Rinsola_Abiola

 

 

 

MID FASHION SHOW!!!!

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Salam aleikum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, okay, I knooooow! I’ve been away for a while - I apologize. I’ve had so many issues (as usual) and network hasn’t been so friendly.

So….I stumbled upon this some days back, and just knew that I would have to be a total meanie not to share….

If you’ll be in Abuja on 14th April, then you really have NO excuse to miss this;

The International Conference Centre is where the the MID SISTERS-ONLY FASHION SHOW is slated to hold, Insh’Allah. To be part of this epoch-making event, all you need do is purchase your ticket(s) at the MID Office headquarters - Suite GF3, AGA Memorial Complex, behind GTB, Area 11, Garki, Abuja, as follows;

STUDENT: 2,500

REGULAR: 4,000

GROUP OF THREE: 10,000

VIP: 20,000

So really……why are you still holding that phone, and why aren’t you already on your way to get your ticket?

For those who may not know, MID is renowned for having the best quality Islamic clothing in stock - that much is apparent from that banner, don’t you think?…..so, unless you have an iron clad excuse, you really shouldn’t miss this.

 

 

 

Sisters - Escaping Polygamy

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‘Salam.

My name is Rxxxxxxx and I’m 29 years old. My problem is that all the men who want to marry me are already married and I hate polygamy with a passion. What do I do as I am growing old?

I have a good job and I live comfortably on my own, and I’m beginning to think that maybe marriage isn’t compulsory after all. I just can’t share my husband, and I have NEVER been approached by a single guy.’

 

 

RESPONSE: Salam, sister. Your story sounds slightly familiar, as I once had a friend who was in a similar situation. She eventually married as a second wife though, and from what I can tell, she’s happy.

I understand your aversion towards polygamy because even I wouldn’t consider it until and unless I actually believe that I have no other choice. Why share when I can have my husband to myself, right?

Have you considered that maybe you weren’t actually made for a single guy? Or have you thought about what you would do if you managed to find one, only for him to marry another later on? Would you leave him, or would you stay?

I do not like the excuses that some of our men give for marrying multiple wives, but the fact remains that they are allowed to do so. It is therefore, ultimately your choice. It’s up to you to decide what you really want. You can make a good choice if you communicate effectively with the men seeking your hand in marriage.

Please do not be deceived into thinking that exclusive monogamy is the key to happiness – this is not true – or that all women in polygamous homes are not happy. The success of a polygamous home depends on the man, and I therefore believe that you should weigh your options properly and decide on who you believe would treat you best (i.e if you decide to settle for any of them).

Finally, 29, 39, or 49, destiny is destiny. There is absolutely no need for you to resign yourself to spinsterhood at this stage. Keep your options open, you are not ‘old’! Who knows, a single man may still come along!

And remember, ‘marriage is half of your deen’!

Sisters: Marrying a Non-Muslim

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“Sallam Alaykum waramotullahi wabarakatuh,

I’m a lady of 34, but will be 35yrs by November in shA Allah. I come from a Muslim home and I understnd Islam well, also I love my religion and I do say dat if it remains a second for me to renounce my faith, let my heart stop and let me die. The situation I am in right now, if someone had told me 2 or 3 years ago that I’ll be in this situation, the look I’ll give the person will be like he’s walking on his head. Well I have been unfortunate with men, some have said I’v been rigid and that I have principles like a fanatic, I’v lost 2 guys who wanted me to get pregnant before the nikkah proper and I declined. The most recent relationship lasted a year plus it’s only d grace of Allah dat I’m alive, he bcame obsessive and was on the way to being abusive and also deceptive. I ws looked on as d guilty party by my family, thinking I’m selective, he’s an OND holder while I hold a degree in electr. Engineering…just to let u know I’m not selective but I think he was insecure and became a danger to me. I had to change my numbers and get out of town. Now, I read the reply you sent on relationship to a sister on feb 15th, I’ll quote u “One who would make you the very centre of his existence, and do everything within his power to make you happy. Have faith that Allah will send you a pious, kind-hearted man, who will love you so much that you will forget the bitter experiences that you’ve had.”"
My dilemma and question is dis, Are Christians going 2 hell? , because I’ve found that someone you described n he’s frm a mixed home, father muslim and still practising and mother Christian. He’s a Christian. Although, everyone says God’s time is d best n I believe it bt I dnt wnt 2 enter my late 30s or 40s b4 my time comes. I love him, he’s my first n beginning thought everyday,he tried converting bt it dint work out, he’s as devoted as I am 2 his faith….I fear he’s my ONE n if I leave him, I’ll jst settle 4 any available n I may nt b happy. Another issue is dat anytime I go on Tahjud, fasting and prayers , he always comes out at d equation….I am in a dilemma, if I marry him n I die a muslim n also try 2 direct our kids into Islam wit Allah’s help, I’m I condemned 2 hell, he cnt force me later bc his father neva forced his mum n he has promised neva venture against my faith bt I’v nt taken any step . PLS HELP me. Ma’Assalam.”

 

The reply went thus;

Wa aleikum salam wahramatullah wabarakatuhu
Thank you very much for sending in your question(s), God willing, I
will answer to the best of my ability, but please know that
ultimately, God is the One who knows best.
THE FIRST QUESTION – WILL CHRISTIANS GO TO HELL?
Ukhti, I am in no position to say yes or no, I can, however, tell you
what the Quran says on the matter by highlighting a number of verses
which address this issue;

‘If anyone desires a Religion other than Islam (submission to Allah),
never will it be accepted of him; and In the Hereafter He will be in
the ranks of those who have lost (All spiritual good).’ (Q3:85)

The fundamental difference between us lies in the very foundations of
our faiths; while in Islam, praying through or to anyone is considered
as shirk, Christians have no such belief and that is why they pray to
or through their Prophet, Jesus Christ (ASW). In Islam, this is
considered as setting up partners with Allah, and is clearly stated in
the Quran as an unforgivable sin, as is shown in the verse quoted
below;

‘Verily, Allâh forgives not that partners should be set up with Him in
worship, but He forgives except that (anything else) to whom He
pleases, and whoever sets up partners with Allâh In worship, He has
indeed invented a tremendous sin.’ (Q4:48)

‘They take their priests and their anchorites to be their Lords In
derogation of Allah, and (They take as their Lord) Christ the son of
Mary; yet they were commanded to worship but one Allah. None deserves
to be worshipped but He. Praise and glory to him: (far is He) from
having the partners they associate (with Him).’ (Q9:31)

9:31 above states clearly that taking Christ as their Lord amounts to
ascribing partners to Allah – in Islam, this is Shirk.
I have highlighted these because you also stated that he has tried
becoming a Muslim; well, sister, perhaps if you could explain this to
him and make him see the truth, then he could make a stronger effort
to really deserve having such a pious Muslim woman by his side.

WHAT DOES THE QURAN SAY ABOUT MARRYING A NON-CHRISTIAN?
It is often said that in Islam, women are treated unfairly by being
told not to marry non-Muslims while the men can. Let us take a cursory
look through Quranic verses that dwell on this matter;
‘Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: a
slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman even
though she allures you; nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until
they believe: a man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever,
even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the
Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and
forgiveness, and makes His Signs Clear to mankind that they may
celebrate His praise.’ (Q2:221)

The argument usually raised is that ‘Why are men permitted to marry
Christians and Jews, when this verse gives essentially the same rules
for women too?’ Let us go further and consider another verse, and
perhaps this would get a bit clearer;

‘This Day are (all) things good and pure made lawful unto you. The
food of the People of the Book is lawful unto you and yours is lawful
unto them. (Lawful unto you In marriage) are (Not only) chaste women
who are believers, but chaste women among the People of the Book (Jews
and Christians), revealed before your time - when ye give them their
due dowers, and desire chastity, not lewdness, nor secret
intrigues…..’ (Q5:5)

Sister, especially considering the fact that women are mentioned in
the first verse but not in this, then this exception is agreed by most
Muslims to be inapplicable to women (of course, some do not agree).
Also, some of the reasons why we are advised against marrying
non-Muslim men are briefly highlighted below;
• Requirements are different: The Quran has provided a guideline for
marriage, and what roles men and women should play. A non-Muslim does
not have to abide by these rules, because he does not believe in or
live by the Quran. As a Muslimah, you might have to ‘adjust’ to things
which are at odds with your Deen. For instance, God forbid, in case of
irreconcilable differences, divorce might not be an option for him
because some Christians do maintain that it is strictly forbidden. In
Islam, however, a woman may seek divorce if her husband is not living
up to his responsibilities as the head of the home, and if she is
being badly treated.
• The Children: The society that we live in is essentially a
patriarchal one; the man is expected to decide what happens in his
home. Yes, I know that children sometimes choose the path of their
mothers, but one irrevocable fact is that most children from mixed
backgrounds tend to take on a lukewarm, neither-here-nor-there
disposition. This will not be to their benefit, and neither will it be
to yours. Raising your children with nothing but Islam increases the
probability of having them embrace the faith whole-heartedly when they
are old enough to make decisions. We should be striving to expand the
Ummah.
• The reason for getting married: the Prophet Muhammad (p) said that
‘marriage is half of your Deen’; if for nothing else, we are expected
to marry people who will help us grow stronger in our faith. When you
marry a non-Muslim, the motivation to perform some acts of worship
might not be very strong because you have no one to encourage you.
Such issues might seem negligible now, but how do you know that it
will not grow to huge proportions after you are married and are living
together? For instance, during Ramadan, how can you be sure that he
will encourage you to pray at night? All that might come naturally to
you, but even the most pious of us need encouragement from time to
time. During Ramadan, how can you be certain that he won’t desire to
be physically intimate with you before sunset? These are ‘small
things’, but sister, small things really count.
It is one thing to make a promise, and it is yet another to fulfill
it; now, he wants you and is wooing you, after he gets you to be his
wife, he might decide not to be as gracious as his father. In Islam,
while our men may marry non-Muslims, they have also been instructed
NEVER to try to force them to become Muslims, as this is equivalent to
sin. ‘There is no compulsion in religion’. A Christian man has no
reason whatsoever to abide by this rule; He is NOT a Muslim, and may
see nothing wrong in dictating that you accompany him to church next
week or……
Sister, what I am telling you now is virtually the same as what I said
to a brother some months ago, despite him being allowed to marry a
non-Muslim. Initially, it all seems like a romantic idea until it gets
real; many of these marriages do not last, and if you investigate the
reason(s) behind the separation, you will find that HOW the children
were being raised (who had the final say, etc) played a major role.
Some say that exposing children to both sides will help them decide
which they want; in cases where they settle for one, maybe….in most
cases, they follow a hybrid of sorts.
In all, everything has been pre-ordained, and the only thing that we
can resort to as true Muslims is prayer. I would advise that you do
not rush to settle simply because you are worried about your age; go
out more, surely three Muslim men cannot be representative of the
millions in the world. Do not pressure yourself, and do not see this
proposal as the best simply because it is the only one at the moment.
If your mind is made up, do all the da’wah you deem necessary and
bring a number of facts to his notice. The key is to get him to become
a Muslim not for your sake, but because he’s truly convinced that
Islam is IT.
Such a marriage may work if the two parties are not very deeply rooted
in their faiths. In this case, a very strong Muslim and a very strong
Christian will have issues about a lot of things, because they will
both believe in having them done differently. Minus the fact that I am
a Muslim, even professional marriage counselors ask singles to put
some things into consideration, one of the most crucial of which is
religion. Our religious outlooks frame us and basically form the basis
of many of the opinions that we hold. We hold a number of divergent
views, and this may result in friction which would normally not occur
with a fellow Muslim or Christian.
Christians also talk about not being ‘unequally yoked’, and while some
may argue that it has nothing to do with marrying outside of their
faith, most interpret it to mean that they should not do so. You may
want to ask him for his take on this too.
As for whether or not you will go to hell if you do marry him, once
more, I am not God and that particular decision is not mine to make.
Sister, I know it is hard; especially in this society of ours that
makes single women above 25 feel like they are suffering from an
illness. As a lady, I know what it means to deal with the pressure
from family.
As I said earlier, Allah knows best, and He has already ordained what
will happen with you. Have faith, sister, have faith. I cannot say
‘don’t marry him’, and I can’t advise you to say ‘I do’ either. The
decision is ultimately yours, and all I CAN do is the little that I
have already done – to make you aware of the reality of the situation.
Think deep, sister, and pray.
May Allah guide us all.

msreemah@yahoo.com
@Rinsola_Abiola

For the Sisters

Posted on by
Salam aleikum, sisters.
I received this message via e-mail, and just thought to share because I am certain that many of us could be in a similar situation. You can also chip in any form of encouragement that you have for this sister.
‘Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi, wa barakatuhu,

I recently got married a second time to a person that I have known since the year 2000- although we have known each other since then, we have not gotten really familiar with each other and therefore have faced difficulty in the marriage.
He did something to me three months into the union that I have found unforgiving and resolved to request for a divorce.

He granted the divorce and I have been relieved since then and am a lot more focused and happy now.

I was in a very bad relationship that was physically abusive with my first marriage and that has made me not being able to trust and weary of men.I have been praying to Allah SWT to forgive me and give me a better person In shaa Allah.’

 

Wa alayki salam wahramatullah wabarakatuh, ukhti.

One thing we need to realize is that everything happens for a reason.

I’m sorry about the experiences you have had, but I do have a favour of sorts to ask of you;
Please, do not be weary of men, or refuse to trust all of them simply because of what you have been through. It might sound like I’m trying to create false cheer, but it really is hard to get over the pain and I know that; but get over it, you must.
The first thing that you need to do is love yourself. I like that you said that you are more focused and happy now. That is how it should be. Be happy, know exactly what you want, highlight your strengths and weaknesses, and begin to have an image of the kind of man who would complement you.
Remember that marriage is half our Deen; we must strive to please Allah, as we all know that being married is one of the things which we hold very dear in Islam. I want you to have the faith that Allah will send your own man your way, a man who will love you, and be the type of husband that you have always wanted. One who would make you the very centre of his existence, and do everything within his power to make you happy. Have faith that Allah will send you a pious, kind-hearted man, who will love you so much that you will forget the bitter experiences that you’ve had.
Learn from the past - evaluate these men, and try to find out if there was something wrong with the method with which you chose them. Do this so that this time around, you may be better equipped to make the right choice.
However, this time around, take your time. Try to be sure before you take the plunge. It is not about how long you’ve known him, but how well you do.
May Allah (SWT) fulfill your heart’s desires.
Warm hugs

Ms. Rinsola Abiola

msreemah@yahoo.com

@Rinsola_Abiola